Yesterday, I buried my brother. Everyone, even myself, say that blood is thicker. No one ever tells you how bad it hurts when it is ripped from your being like the vacuum of space. And it isn't that I am anger or feel that someone should have told me at some point in my life because I don't think it would have mattered. I would still feel the shards of sorrow and anger that have torn my heart to pieces. Yet, I can't help but think, I wish someone would have. I wish someone would have told me how mentally and physically crippling such a loss can be or that roses on a casket isn't that last time you'll cry. Perhaps then I could have been a bit more prepared.
It has been 11 days since Rory passed away and I still find myself in disbelief and that any minute hes going to walk through the door (without knocking as was his way) as if nothing happened. I know it will get easier but, sometimes I wonder if I want it to get easier. Sometimes I think I don't want it to get easier because, I fear that if it does I will forget the little things that made my older brother who he was. The wide set stance he had, every monkey bump that he gave me, the starry wonder that lay in his eyes. I could tell you stories for countless nights but perhaps we can save that for another time. Instead let me tell you who Rory was. My brother was one of the most passionate people I know, really I could say that about any of my siblings. He had a fire that drove him. All that he did was for family, for myself, for all his girls. I like to think that Rory was a sainted sinner. Generosity was one of his greatest qualities. Farms saved and fixed car problems filled my ears this past week. Genuine friends and sincere hearts filled the church yesterday. I wish I could tell you more but at this time I do not believe I can stomach it.
We're all travelers, all on the same road to Damascus. Take note of those around you. Make well with those in your caravan. As always stay humble and stay blessed friends.
In some ways it will get easier, in some ways the pain will actually seem worse. But God is with you and you can trust Him to give you hope and ease the hurt when you think you can't stand it another second. Love you and your family Drew. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
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